A Day Late and a Dollar Short...

Although the 2008 election has come to a close, I couldn't help but wonder if the outcome would have been different if Sen. McCain had tried a different public image. I give you, McCain the jock.

Success in politics is rooted in strategy and execution, knowledge of the opponent and his weaknesses along with a fervent backing from supporters. Sports are much the same, and it is not a new practice to use sports analogies along the campaign trail.

With that in mind and an historic election set to commence in less than 24 hours, Sen. John McCain tried to rally the troops with an inspirational and lasting memory for voters who would see his name on the ballot the following day. What was the message, you ask?

“HE...COULD...GO...ALL...THE...WAY...TO THE WHITE HOUSE!” he bellowed on Monday Night Football on ESPN as anchor Chris Berman smiled, dipped his head, and shook it in suspended disbelief.

McCain wasn’t done. He went on to reference his deficit in the polls that many pundits have deemed insurmountable, and uttered one more tired cliche in response.

“That’s why they play the game,” McCain beamed, as Berman did his best bobble head impression.

Americans love an underdog, but they hate George Bush, and McCain has been trying to run from those comparisons for months now. Perhaps he should have dropped the tired war veteran, bible thumping, baby kissing routine months ago, and instead of resorting to cheap gimmicks and tired puns, he could have appeared on ESPN like his adversary, Sen. Barack Obama did, with a self-assured grin and an air of unmistakable confidence.

Instead, he blew a golden opportunity to forge an identity that would have reverberated beyond party lines. Every week, millions of Americans stuff themselves into athletic cathedrals and hug, high-five and celebrate no matter what their political party affiliation. John, if you are such a maverick, how did you miss this boat? Dump the executive experience mumbo jumbo, and start talking up your All-American boy image. How can Obama compete with a guy who lettered in three macho sports, football, boxing and wrestling (they give out letters for the jayvee, right?).

While Obama was off scrimmaging with those losers from Chapel Hill, you should have been in the breadbasket working on your fallaway with Mario Chalmers. John, as a military boxer and a survivor of a POW camp, how could you not have at least challenged that nancy boy from Hawaii to an arm-wrestling match?

What’s that John? You said you can’t raise your arms above your shoulders anymore? And I should be well aware of that fact because you flail around like a turtle on its back whenever in front of a camera?

That’s ok, John, I understand you are getting on in years, but that’s why you nabbed Gov. Sarah Palin as your running mate. I’ll bet the two of you would make a fine one-two punch on skates against your Democratic opponents.

You can’t get ahold of Mrs. Palin, John? She’s on the phone with France, you say? She’d probably be tied up putting lipstick on her bulldog, anyway.

You’re running out of options fast here, John. Basketball is out, arm wrestling isn’t an option and Palin’s in Quebec getting directions to the ice rink. That only leaves you with a couple of options. You said yourself you weren’t very good at football, so I can’t imagine that’s a good option for you, but neither was siding with Bush back in ’03, so you could gamble here, too. Obama might try to get you on a surf board, but I wouldn’t recommend a man of your, uh, physique, to be shirtless in public.

No, I’ve got the perfect competition for you, one people of your generation dominate every time they step on the court, and one you can surely crush Obama in.

Shuffleboard. Years of grizzled competition at the Del Boca Vista-esque condos that dot your great state have prepared you for your moment of glory. It’s here, John, take it.

It’s a great idea, right? Oh jeez, you are right, I never thought of that. Obama will have a tough time finding identification to get him into the 65-and over clubs in order to compete.

Well, it’s not looking too good for you in the sports department, John. But if you do pick up an Obama fumble tomorrow, don’t use Leon Lett as your inspiration on the way to the White House.