Class Wear

The changing of the guard is nearly complete, and Snow Miser has taken the position he will hold until early April when his brother Heat Miser takes it back. And while this means I get to dust off my favorite old Christmas movies, it also means summer has come and gone, and the impending winter chill has sent the skirts, sundresses and halter tops that make my treks to class so pleasant into the back of girls’ closets.

(Now that Audrey has stopped beating me, I can continue with this post.)

There is one saving grace, however. One delightful, common female clothing of the winter that far surpasses the summer skin-showing line up. This wonderful piece of dressing was a foreign concept before I arrived in State College Town, but it has quickly become my favorite. I am of course referring to the 80s inspired spandex leggings that adorn the bottom half of girls everywhere I turn, and I have to admit, their climb to the top of the fashion food chain has got me excited (no pun intended).

They are typically accompanied by Uggs, which is fine, because I do not have as much hatred for them as some males. They are held in such high esteem because they accomplish the two goals of the vain-driven college female population: stay warm and show off the goods. I remember first encountering this craze as an NBA fan, and soon thereafter, girls were wearing them under their dresses to the bar during the colder months of the year. But pretty soon, they would stand alone, and they have become the first article of clothing that can be both warm and slutty. They have gone from an item of necessity, to a fashion statement to nearly a staple in girls’ winter wear.

While I am such a champion of them, there is really no nicer way of describing them, because, they take the place of pants, but are skin tight, so that any casual observer can get a pretty decent idea of what you look like naked. And this, of course, is why the superficial male takes such a great interest in them. But why would girls chose to walk around half-naked? From what I can tell, it takes a greater amount of time to put on spandex than it does a pair of jeans or sweatpants, and the skin tight fabric can’t be terribly comfortable. No, this reeks of attracting the other sex, and the unfortunate thing is that as a male, I have no equivalent to return the generous favor.

Some girls have even taken it so far as to sport form-fitting tops. One such girl strolled into class yesterday, a foolish decision seeing as how each member of the class would be forced to present a power point. Aside from being dressed straight from the gym, this poor girl got a case of the shivers while on stage, and her unmentionables reacted for all the class to see. But that wasn’t all. She had done a poor job of arranging her apples, so that when the stems became erect, she looked like a kid with a lazy eye. While one “eye” starred straight out at the class, the other cast down and to the side. All the superficial males in the class traded amused glances, but the girls cringed. I just hope it doesn’t put an early end to the great winter ass parade.