The past will haunt, and the future strikes fear, but both are given meaning only by the present, the most important of the three time frames, but quite often, the most overlooked.
The past can be made irrelevant by a present accomplishment or success (see 2008 Phillies) and the future is set by due diligence and foresight (see American Colonies, circa 1776). I stand on a precipice, looking back on the bliss of freshman year, and longing to relive the glory years, while the uncertain and dreaded workforce will soon welcome my number to the queue.
Senior year of college is a great Present Day trap: you can’t help but long for the days of old and tremble in excitement at the thought of climbing into a DeLorean with Michael J. Fox, while you stare exasperated at mounting job loss statistics and refresh your inbox until your fingers bleed hoping for an invitation to interview.
This year has been a blur of lasts for me, every one of which was bittersweet. I have struggled all year with the pain of moving on and the fear that has accompanied it, and I would be lying if I said it has not affected my personality and perhaps, even my relationships. Senior year removes the veil of ignorance, because it is like a stadium counting down to its final game. Each time I go out, I know that it is one less experience I will have, and I fret about that fact throughout the night. Sophomore year, countless nights were on the horizon, and I never had to think or worry about a time when they’d be moving toward extinction.
But while I’ll miss college and the stories that accompany any night with a beer, what has troubled me most over the months is my uncertain future. I don’t know the city, the industry or the job capacity that I will be in with only a month and a half to go before graduation. My insecurity runs rampant as every casual conversation turns to my after-graduation plans, and I sheepishly turn my head and mutter in a frustrated tone, “I don’t know yet. I’m still working on that.” My 16 years of education were supposed to culminate in a job offer and a course for my life, but instead, I am left to my pessimistic thoughts and bitter outlook on a life I dreamed of but has yet to come to fruition.
This weekend’s events caused an introspective look at myself, and I found some things I didn’t like. I wasn’t happy to learn my insecurities, frustrations and stressors from that unknown future were making me an irritable and undesirable companion. I kept myself up by putting others down, and I expected everyone to cater to me, because I was suffering “alone” from such a poor job market. Selfishness was pervasive in most of my motives and thoughts, and it was harming my social schedule.
Of course, I am not the only person struggling to find employment, but that does not offer much solace. What is true, however, is that this market requires creativity, and might open options that I would not have considered if a high-paying position was on the table. In some ways, it can extend my adolescence, because I am unlikely to be wearing a shirt and tie to an office next year, but instead might earn my bread and milk from the couch in my parents’ basement through a medium such as this. My outlook on the situation was not positive, and it sapped my motivation to explore and consider all my options.
I have placed a great amount of pressure on obtaining the first job, because I have longed believed that I will forever stay in the first field, after getting comfortable and losing the will to explore other options, coupled with financial responsibilities that will make a risky job move unwise. But, as I have written here before, the future is a wild card, and is directly tied to the present, and my future will be as cloudy as I fear if I fret away the present. The unknown can’t be harnessed, and that’s why it grips our guts. Television stations don’t make their money with the same tired episode of a series, and a life wouldn’t make much sense if there weren’t some unexpected challenges faced and conquered along the way.
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