So this is how Earnest Byner felt?

I do not like myself right now.

I have been known to have quite a quick temper, sitting quietly one minute before flying out of my chair and letting loose with a tirade at a seemingly benign individual just seconds before. I’ve been restrained on basketball courts when the trash talk gets a little too ugly. I’ve been in a scrape or two in my life. And don’t get my started on a Jimmy Rollins GIDP, Donovan McNabb overthrow, a Todd Pinkston (RIP) drop or the famed and frustrating Jose Mesa blown save (Mesa!).

But never does frustration burn in my belly like when I am upset with myself. When opportunity floats over my head but bounces off my hands like they were concrete. So you might imagine how I’m feeling today after fumbling away another opportunity at a job.

The day started so well. I was awakened by a phone call offering me some part-time work beginning next week, something I’d spent the two weeks since commencement searching for. I made myself some breakfast, watched a little television, went out for a run, and came back to shower and ponder the rest of my day. As I was finishing shaving, the phone rang. No bother, I said, I’ll call them back. But as I finished drying my face, I heard that tantalizing sound that signals I’ve received a voice message. No one under 25 leaves voice messages, so that must mean its an important call, hopefully from an employer.

“Hi, [Carter] this is [name redacted] from ESPN. I have your resume in front of me, and I wanted to discuss with you our opening for Statistics Associate. Please give me a call back at your earliest convenience.”

Oh happy day! A job offer in the morning and an interested employer in the afternoon. Perhaps my long days of filling out applications would finally come to an end! I have a friend at ESPN, he put in a good word for me, and only three days after sending in the app I was getting a call. Surely, my fortunes were changing, after securing two part-time positions last week and a bounty of booty from my graduation party this weekend.

But, I am an idiot, and destined to type this blog for the rest of my days from my parents' basement. The call started innocently enough, with her wondering why I wanted to work at ESPN.

“Well, ESPN is the gold standard in sports journalism. I know, having recently graduated from State College, that so many of my peers aspired to work at the World Wide Leader in Sports. Its the culmination of a career, and to have the opportunity to start one there would be great.”

She explained the position, what it would entail, and asked me if I was still interested. Of course, lady, do you know too many kids sending out apps that aren’t interested in talking about a job? Do you read the papers?

“Yes, ma’am,” I replied cordially to the women who probably isn’t more than five years my elder.

“Ok, great, I’m just going to ask you a couple questions to test your general sports knowledge, because this position requires quite a bit of it.”

“Sure,” I said, chuckling and smiling under my breath. This will be a walk in the park, I live on ESPN.com and watch Sportscenter on loop, since I have little better to do. Bring it on, lady.

The first few questions, no sweat. But she soon tripped me up.

“Name the last five Heisman Trophy winners, and the schools they attended.”

Damn, I hate college football, mostly because our team has sucked and I haven’t attended a game since joining the fraternity and drinking as much as possible at every tailgate.

“Bradford, Oklahoma,” I began. “Tebow, Florida.” I started thinking about flipping open the MacBook and cheating, but I was afraid of taking too much time and her hearing my fingers flying across the keys as I searched out the answer.

“Sorry, I’m trying to write it out,” I said through the receiver as I began to sweat. Who the hell won the Heisman the last couple of years?. “So, the last five years, that’s 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004,” I said, trying to stall, but she stayed cool and silent on the other line, giving me no help. “I think Reggie Bush, from USC, was 2004…is it ok if I do them out of order?”

“Sure, I just need the last five and their schools,” she deadpanned, probably wondering why she wasted her time with me.

I thought some more about the the computer, but decided against it. She won’t kill me for missing one, so what, I can’t remember Heisman Trophy winners. I could give her the NFL and MLB MVPs.

“Sorry, I’m blanking on the other two years.”

“Ok,” she said, “Name two players on the Lakers,” she asked feeling sorry for me, “other than Kobe Bryant.”

Well, make it a little difficult. Ok, Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol. There.

“What are the four major Golf Championships?”

The Masters, The U.S. Open, the British Open and the PGA Championship, I responded, nailing them in order.

“Ok, how about the winningest coach in Men’s Basketball History?”

“Oh, it’s either Sutton or Knight,” I stalled. “I’ll go with Bob Knight.”

“Ok,” quickly becoming her annoying catch phrase. “How about the leader in NFL Touchdown throws?”

“Jeez, that’s either Marino or Favre. I’ll go with Marino.” Wrong, jackass. BSB is snickering somewhere, but fuck you Favre, I just thought you had the picks record.

“Ok, well thank you [Carter], but I’m afraid we’re looking for someone with some more knowledge. Please check out ESPN.com for more job opportunities, and best of luck in the future.” Click, before I could get another word out.

Wtf? I didn’t know the Heisman winners, but where else did I go wrong? Well, I pulled out the computer, which I should have done 10 minutes before, and found out it was Favre with the TD record, and Sutton wasn’t even close to the top in Men’s wins. But Bob Knight was, just not number one. That would be some ass hat from Northern State known as Don Meyer, who has been coaching since 1972 and has run up 910.

With a golden opportunity, I choked. Bush won in 2005, his teammate and Co-ed slayer Matt Leinart in 2004 and everyone’s favorite Buckeye, Troy Smith, in 2006. I hate myself. Why I didn’t just cheat, like every other candidate probably will, I’m not sure. Why I didn’t try to fight her, and beg for some more questions to redeem myself, I’ll never know. But I shanked the kick, sliced the drive and drove the car into the ground with the finish line in sight, and I’m not sure how I’ll ever forgive myself.

The lady certainly didn’t help. She never told me if I was right or wrong, which whittled my confidence as I second-guessed each answer. I knew I remembered Favre passing Marino a few years ago, but I yipped it, going for the safe answer. And I’m fairly certain she penalized me for hesitating on the answers, not merely coming back and firing responses at her right away. This rejection stings more than all the others, because it was a job I certainly could have done and excelled at. And at ESPN nonetheless. A day that began with so much promise crashed and burned like so many more before it.