The Real World

The blinding light disturbed my focus as I hastened across campus to my final undergraduate exam. A quick peek confirmed the glistening came from a reflection, but oddly enough, its origin was beyond the string of parked cars that adorned the opposite sidewalk and seemed to be emanating from the grassy knoll that gently sloped towards a dorm building. There, stooping its head to nibble at the pristinely manicured lawn was a mythical beast, dressed from horn to heel in white, more glamorous than a newly-minted bride in a sub-tropical climate.

As I stopped in my tracks and stared, the beast lifted its head, tilted it to the side and asked, “Well, what did you expect? Good luck in the real world.”

That is where we, the “newly-minted professionals,” are headed. Gone are the waterfalls of beer and the mermaids who gave us rides to class. Forever forgotten will be the rainbows and pots of gold as we go off to join the working class. Never again will a shiver run down my spine from the shadow of a giant, fire-breathing dragon as his overhead flight blocks the sun.

But, all kidding aside, you would think the Lost Boys battled Captain Hook on campus each day with the number of times I heard the phrase “real world” during two days of commencement ceremonies over the weekend. And, if that is the case, why in God’s name did we spend so much money on college if it prepared us so poorly for what lies ahead?

The phrase left the mouth of a fellow graduate most often, and rarely from a professor or presider over the ceremonies. But really, it begs the question, what is the real world, and if we haven’t been in it, why were we wasting all of our time filling out those endless sheets of paper with questions on them attached to circles we had to bubble in? And why is every college student so terrified of life after school?

Graduation is little more than a signal to employers that the holder of said degree has acquired some arbitrary amount of education and suggests they will be competent entering a business that requires similar skills to their field of study. It does not suggest that said holder of degree will be able to find suitable housing, get to work on time dressed in suitable clothes, not fall asleep around lunch time and not try to skip out at 4:30 to make the start of happy hour. And after a weekend of “life in the real world is gonna suck!” I am led to believe that said holders of degrees don’t feel they have obtained those skills, either.

Why do post-college grads fear the “real world” (copy write, annoying overachievers who made 4.0s but can’t think of alternate terms to save their lives) so much? And why is college perceived as such a comfy cocoon? The biggest problem I’ve heard from my yuppie friends is extreme boredom, but college is fraught with roommate troubles, asinine homework assignments and deranged neighbors who play guitar (poorly) till 4 a.m. each night. When compared to mind-numbing finger-mashing for thousands of dollars a year, I think I’d have to take the unfulfilling cubicle and the money over the poorhouse of college. Was college really that stimulating that its worth more than a full checking account?

And while we all have great stories about the nights we don’t remember, if we were honest with ourselves, aren’t we all a little tired of college? The friend who has too much each night and can’t stop telling you how much he thinks of you, or the fresh-faced girl whose bruised knees haven’t healed from last weekend after eating shit on the way back to her dorm were fun to laugh at the first few years, but hasn’t their act gotten a little tired?

I’ve enjoyed fratting as much as the next guy in the pink Vineyard Vines polo, but waking up and having to hear about the night from a friend no longer appeals to me. Frankly, I’m looking forward to glasses of Chardonnay and conversations about Hispanic Chief Justices who inject life experience into legal interpretation over catty gossip and who pees the bed when they drink too much.

College has been fun, but Peter Pan’s tights are a tad frayed. The real world (copy write college senior who attempts to have perspective on how many nights they’ve wasted during four years of school and communicate it it to doting parents) awaits.