Bid Selection

Winter break is entirely too long, something I’m sure I won’t be saying a year from now when I have a 9-5, but, still as a student, it forces me to work at the 9-5 until classes mercifully return. So, in order to pass the time, I began engaging in some good ol’ fashioned Facebook stalking this afternoon, and turned my attention to the Fraternity’s rush group to check out the freshmen and sophomores who will be frequenting our parties in the weeks to come.

This is a great method to pass time during boring, slow days at work because I get my homework done for rush week, which is fast approaching. It’s also very effective because freshman guys are stupid; guys spend all their time on Facebook looking up the hottest girls in their classes, and they leave their profiles unblocked so girls can do the same to them. Except girls don’t do that, they spend all their time on Facebook looking at their friends’ pictures to figure out who their new friends are in college and if they have gotten fat. Plus, savvy male Facebook users know this time and tested rule; if a girl’s profile is unblocked, she isn’t hot, because she wants/needs people to look at her profile, and doesn’t have enough confidence in herself that people will friend her to be afforded that opportunity. Hot girls want to know who is stalking them, and block their profiles to force people to friend them (btw, these generalizations only apply to freshman. After you’ve spent time in college, you learn the new social norms and how to use Facebook properly, and to quote Lil Wayne, that ain’t got shit to do with this, but I just thought that I should mention it.)

Every semester I scroll through our group’s member list and click through on all the rushes that have joined, and every semester you can easily eliminate the kids that clearly suck, because they proclaim it for all the world to see on their Facebook profiles. What follows is my list of Rushes who kill their chances before the parties even start.

The Only Guy I Know is the One You All Don’t Like

...and you probably won’t like me either. I display all of the same issues he does, and they are all in my profile for you to see. He thinks he’s the greatest guy in the world, and so do I, and I tell you why in my About Me section. I’m “handsome, sexy, single and ready to mingle,” so I have to join a Fraternity to meet all the awesome Sororistutes that will immediately strip when I walk into the room. Oh, I’m also a terrible drunk, which is clear to see from the horrible girls I’m making out with in my pictures. That’s me pissing on a cop car, and that’s me bloodied from picking a fight with a bouncer at the bar. But don’t worry, my boy will stick up for me at bid selection while all the brothers shift awkwardly in their seats, because no one wants to tell him I suck as much as he does, and that they’ll never make the same mistake twice.

Pick a Fraternity, any Fraternity

I came to college with one goal in mind, to join a Frat. I don’t know anything about any individual chapter, but I’m in every single one’s rush group, except for those with ugly girls. I’ll join the first chapter that gives me a bid, even if I’ve only met three guys. As long as there are girls at the party and a keg, what else do you need? I’m not worried that brothers might see my conflicting interests, they are all going to be so desperate to sign me on that there will probably be a brawl between them. I also like every band that has a song played over and over again on the radio, and Will Ferrell. But just Will Ferrell. Well, I used to like Adam Sandler, but not any more.

I wish life was a movie

...that way, I’d be funny, deep and sensitive. My favorite quotes are coincidentally the same as IMDB’s Top 10 from 2008, and I am sure to use them non-stop in conversation. I also try to draw on these movies in daily life, referencing them whenever a situation arises like it did in the movie. If you for some reason you don’t know what the quotes are from, I’ve created a note in my profile where I’ve listed them randomly and my two friends squared off to guess what movies they come from. What’s that you ask? My favorite books? Oh, I don’t read...

My life is so hard and everyone should know

Yeah, my status tells the world I’m confused and have no where to turn, but I don’t actually want to discuss why or how I feel, I just want everyone to feel bad for me. The girl I met last week hasn’t responded to my Facebook message, probably because she looked at my profile first and saw how emo I am and figured she wouldn’t want to deal with my mopey ass. Sure, my issues are private matters that only a few people know or understand, but the whole world needs to know I’m not in the best of moods right now. After you post your clichéd “Feel better” and “OMG, what’s wrong?” I’ll feel better that people care and then will declare my new mood. But it won’t last, and soon “Andrew is :(” will make you question why you bothered with me in the first place. SIGH

I’m from Massachusetts, and Nobody Beats Me!

Interests: Sawx, Patz and KG

Activities: Derek Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows and the Steinbrenners can Blow Me for free since they are soon to be out of money!

About Me: I’m from (insert town in Mass. you’d never heard of until this kid wouldn’t shut up about it) and I’m a die hard Boston fan! If you are a girl, don’t bother getting to know me, because when a Boston sports team is on, I’m in front of the TV and not listening to you blabbing on about how much you want to get down with me. Tommy Touchdown can have my kids, and he might have to, because no self-respecting woman ever will. The Truth isn’t Paul Pierce, it’s that Boston is the capital of the sport’s world, and if you have a logical explanation as to why it isn’t, all I have for you is Fuck Off!

Muscle Milk!

“Giovanni is FUCK YOU! I’M AT THE GYM BECAUSE YOUR (sic) TO (sic) SMALL! GET YOUR WAIT (sic) UP BITCH!” His picture is taken by him, in a mirror, with his Sidekick. His wall is littered with taunts that mimic his status or girls that got $100 Sephora gift cards and had to use it all at once. His personality is akin to Sack Lodge and emphasizes this fact by punctuating each statement on his profile with a profanity and exclamation point.

Romeo and Juliet

This guy has it all. He’s making out with his 15-year old girlfriend in the picture, he has “I Love Sarah” in every appropriate box in his profile, every photo album has her on the cover and they are practically married, except she hasn’t graduated from high school and he can’t afford the ring. His wall post is a constant back and forth with her about who loves the other more. Aww, aren’t we cute?

No, stupid. I’m not one to squash love, I’m quite smitten by a vixen myself, but don’t proclaim to the world that you are pussy-whipped. Firstly, every guy that sees your profile won’t be friends with you, because it's assumed you are pussy-whipped. Secondly, why would we want to give you a bid if all you care about is your girl? What will you add to the Fraternity? And thirdly, you are going to split with her before September is over, but in the process you have alienated every guy on campus, and every girl thinks you are either clingy or an idiot for devoting your profile to someone you just dumped, so in short, you have no friends, and your dick is lonely.