Ham and Cheese

Theft on college campuses is nothing new, especially with drunk students making such easy targets, but this was one of the stranger robberies I've ever heard about.

This is the tale of one of our newer guys; lets call him Saul. I quickly became a fan of Saul's during away weekend two semesters ago, when he accompanied me up a mountain to take in the view and a blunt. So, while he is two years my junior, him and me are pretty cool, and he told me this story from his weekend.

Saul pledged his first semester at State University and currently is our fund raising chair. Unfortunately for him, he recently broke up with his high school girlfriend, lets call her Jenna, who happens to also be in Greek Life. So, in an attempt to get over it, he's been hitting the bars pretty hard. Along the way, he's bumped into one of Jenna's sorority sisters, named Wendy, who he had gotten to know while dating Jenna. Some playful flirting ensued, but he wasn't terribly interested in her and has yet to hook up with her.

But things got interesting this weekend. Once again, they crossed paths at the bar, and she asked him to leave one bar with her to go to another. Being a slow Saturday night (they aren't actually slow, they just aren't fun because they're swamped on the weekends), he decided to go with her. After some more flirting, she asks him if he wanted to leave with her. He agreed, because they live in the same building and he figured he'd walk her home. So they get back to their apartment building.

Wendy: "I've never seen your room before, can I see it?"
Saul (unpersuaded) "Are you sure? I'm pretty certain you've seen it before."
Wendy: "No, I've been in your apartment, but never your room...Can I please see it?"

Saul relents, and takes her upstairs. There, his roommate is chilling in the living room trying to get some work done. Ten minutes of conversation pass, and the roommate gets up, leaving Saul and Wendy alone. Saul has little interest in hooking up with a girl in his ex's sorority, so he's doing his best to usher the girl out of the apartment, but she isn't taking his subtle hints.

Wendy then asks to use his cell phone, saying that hers has died. He agrees, and she goes off to use it. He leaves and goes to catch his roommate up on the developing situation. After a few minutes, he decides to stop being so nice, and to take the elevator ride with her downstairs to her apartment to make sure she gets in safe.

But Wendy beats him to it. She says she wants to go home, so Saul offers to walk her home.

"OK, I'll walk you home. Do you have my cell phone?"

"Whaaa?" Wendy crows, her mind having trouble processing alcohol and speech simultaneously.

"My cell phone, I let you borrow it. What did you do with it?

"I don't know," is all she good muster.

"Are you kidding me? Is it in your purse?" Saul exclaimed, suddenly fearful his new phone met a painful and blacked out death.

So Saul begins riffling through her purse. He not only locates Wendy's cell phone, which he notices isn't dead, but also a mysterious package for a girl's purse: a packet of lunch meat ham.

"Where did you get this," he asks Wendy, holding up the ham for her to inspect. She merely stares at him dumbly.

"Did you take this out of my refrigerator?" he asks, choking back laughter at the absurdity of the situation. "This is mine."

"I'm sorry," she whines. "I don't have any food in my apartment." Saul pulls out an accompanying packet of turkey and cheese, thrusts the refrigerator door open, throws the pilfered parcels back in, and turns to take Wendy home. He then sets his attention to finding his lost cell phone.

He calls it from her phone, hearing it vibrating through fabric, but still unable to locate it.

"Did you steal my cell phone too?" believing it to be in her purse.

"No, I swear, I don't know what I did with it!"

After several frustrating minutes, he searches through his roommate's backpack, where she had stashed the phone. Frustrated and flummoxed, he takes Wendy home.

It turns out, Wendy was going through the phone to see if Saul was still talking to Jenna, which he was. Once she learned that, she seemed to lose interest in him and gain interest in a different type of meat. Aside from the great story, he got an earful from a none-too happy Jenna, who was pissed about him hanging out with her sorority sister alone in his apartment.

At least he was able to save himself a trip to Subway.