College Love

Relationships during your university years dominate the social scene. Constantly discussed, consistently languished over and always sought after, often, they are used as a measuring stick of social aptitude.

However, at no other point in your life are they so complicated. Of course, being married, juggling children, a profession and a mortgage is difficult, but how many times do married people wake up naked in a stranger's bed with only 15 minutes to go before the commencement of a midterm exam?

Hopefully, never.

Factor in the fickleness of college students, and you have one messy situation that gives you headaches without having to consume 20 beers. You always are wondering, "Did she like me, or was she just drunk/trying to get over some other guy/trying to complete a bet with a friend/or just bored with her life in general? Do I call her, text her, wait to bump into her, ask a mutual friend about her?" Further, your all-important reputation is on the line. If you crash and burn with one girl, that is going to get around. Relationships become all the more difficult because most college students have "hooked up" before they even go on a date. After such a powerful fist encounter with someone, the pressure is heightened, and it can make conversation difficult, let alone building a relationship.

But, despite all the roadblocks, some do seriously date in college. I myself have been seeing a girl for nearly a year now. But, we struggled in the beginning, as many couples do, because of a stark contrast in thinking between males and females. Now, I can only hypothesize on girl's opinions, formed by what a select few have told me, and theorize on what I have witnessed by many of my male friends coupled with what I experienced at the beginning of my own relationship. But a recent couple quandary of a girl I've known and stayed friends with since freshman year got me thinking about it again.

My friend, LK, recently celebrated a one-year anniversary with her boyfriend. They, like me, are both living in State College Town and working in Metropolis near by. However, she shared these two quotes from her boyfriend, Brett, with me from their last fight.

"Many guys wouldn't put up with your shit," and "Most guys would have walked out much earlier."

Now, LK has had a tough year. Her father passed away shortly after Christmas, and her uncle passed a month ago. So, insensitivity notwithstanding, Brett has been forced to shoulder an emotional load that many 21-year old males would refuse. But it was a terrible mistake to make that point well-known to LK.

They have since talked, and are trying to work it out. Brett is a good guy, and alcohol, some unresolved relationship issues and frustration got the best of him, but he knows he made a mistake with his tongue. This quandary got me thinking about something my girlfriend and I fought about a lot when we first began dating. It can be summed up like this: A guy sees a relationship as a sacrifice, a girl sees it as a goal. Let me explain with a very common example that I have experienced before.

It's a Thursday night, and I don't have class in the morning, so I decide to head out to the bars with the boys. Audrey, the girlfriend, has some homework to finish up and class in the morning, so she decides to stay in and I promise to stop by on the way home from the bar. Well, last call is 1:30 a.m., there's a huge line at the late night drunk stop, and my phone is blowing up. I have to decide; cut my night short to go see Audrey, or stay out goofing off? I am ashamed to say that more often than not, I chose the latter, and am fortunate she didn't dump my ass.

This is the part where all the girls nod their heads in unison, all of whom have had to dance this slow dance. They give the guy some freedom, and he takes it as a "I'll see you when I see you." Girls, a few thoughts on this:

(A) Don't put up with this bullshit. It will drive you bat shit nuts for months on end. If he likes you, he should be willing to commit to you, and if he isn't, he probably never will. If you want a commitment, you cannot tolerate him breaking promises and leave you hanging for his friends.

(B) However, there is some reasoning behind this behavior. Lets dig deeper.
i. He's an idiot and doesn't know any better.
ii. He's not that into you and is waiting for something better to come along (a fun two first reasons, no?)
iii. He's a pussy and can't stand the ribbing he takes from his friends for spending so much time with you.
iv. He doesn't trust you. He is afraid that you will not make the commitment along with him. He's fighting you for control of the relationship because he wants to know if you are willing to fight back.

(C) The other thing to consider is that guys view all of their relationships much differently than girls do. A guy's friends are niche fillers. I have friends I like to drink with, different friends I play basketball with, and then a bunch of guys I like hanging out with. I really don't have a "best friend," as girls would define it. Yes, some guys I am closer with, and I share ideas and goals with, but for the most part they are interchangeable. Guys do not value a friend the way girls do, and, a lot of guys see the girl they are involved with as a niche filler as well. Their niche is, at the shallowest end, sexual gratification, all the way up the spectrum to valued friend to share an interest with. But when the girl begins to demand more, pushing her beyond the limits of her niche defined by the guy, conflict can start, and from there, either a relationship will blossom or they will go their separate ways. But, this all brings me to my point.

Guys and girls, you are on totally different wavelengths here. When Audrey asked me to come over after the bar, she thought she was compromising; he can go out to the bar with his friends, and then when the bar closes, he can come see me as I finish my homework. I didn't see it that way. I saw it as, "Yea, you can hang out with your friends until I'm not busy with stuff anymore. Then report to my office immediately." To me, she was playing with me, dangling the cheese and then pulling it away. Because I didn't trust her, I wanted to control the relationship. I was afraid of becoming "whipped" and be forced to be at her beck and call, lest she throw a shit fit and then I had a fight on my hands.

Which brings me back to LK and Brett. Brett has trust issues with LK, because she has cheated on him in the past. He believes he has soldiered on, sacrificing his time, energy and sanity to support LK through many a miserable night when grief has overcome her. Perhaps he is selfish, and he is certainly an ass for saying it out loud. But, when you enter a relationship with someone, you have to go in with this knowledge, and you have to be willing to work around it, because otherwise, you will be constantly fighting about who sacrifices more for whom.

A relationship will not work if the people in it believe they are sacrificing for one another; it only works when the two people are in the relationship because their desire is to make that person happy, and the fact that they do in turn makes them happy. I'm reminded of the Friends episode (yes, I watch Friends) where Joey tells Phoebe that there is no such thing as a good deed, because people only do something good because it gives them joy in return, which is selfish. Phoebe spends the entire episode trying to find a good deed that doesn't give her any joy, eventually donating money to PBS, which she hates. But that's the idea of a successful relationship; you have to WANT to make the other person happy, and when successful, you are happy because the person you love is happy. And, if this isn't the case, you might need to analyze the value of the relationship. And with that, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from someone who understood the importance of affecting others' lives.

"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives." -Jackie Robinson